Blogging can be downright painful

It even makes me cry, and crying, in my world, is completely unacceptable. I hate the sting of tears as they are being produced and the way they well up on the bottom of my eyelids, although sometimes at this point, I am able to halt the production before they spill out and run down my cheeks. But other times I am not. It is at these moments I feel helpless, out of control, and downright relieved that this release of true emotion can be so comforting.

Crying, whether from joy or sadness, is not one of my specialties. It ruins my mascara.

Why tell you all this? Well, the other night it all came crashing down on me when I sat down to reflect on and blog about the overwhelming sense of frustration I was feeling. I couldn't put my finger on why, so I allowed the psychologist in me to ask a few simple questions like: When did you first discover this sense of frustration? Who are you thinking about lately? Why do you think they are on your mind? And then it hit me like a physical punch to the gut: my sister is actually being deployed. The reality. The possibilities.

And all I could think about was how stupid I was to argue with her. Then I realized if my emotions were this far out of whack, I must truly love her. Just for the record, I always have loved her, the problem is the only way I know to show this love is to "question" her. Why did you do it that way? How come you didn't try this? Why on earth are you going to do that? When will you learn to do it my way? Part of the reason for the questioning is that I honestly want to know. Most of the reason for the questioning is not knowing how to tell her I love her AND the way she does things. (Stupid tears make it hard to see what I am typing).

So now I have reduced myself to using my blog as a way to tell my sister that I do indeed love her, I will miss her and I am so proud of her. These are the tears of joy, appreciation and downright respect for the one I will continue to question, as my way to show her my love, simply because I look up to her and have admired her for so long.

To this sister of mine…I love you…please be safe. And why do you have to be so stinking stubborn?